Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Draggin' & Doubt...

Well radiology is over and it was a nice relaxing two weeks compared to the worst I have seen. While I saw the appeal as in every specialty, I know it isn't for me. Lately in fact, I wonder if anything is for me... While these past months have been stressful, I can't help but reflect back over the last time I was truly happy with medicine. Honestly, the last time I could think of was January, my trauma surgery month. Even though it was so very busy, it has been rough since it seems. Surely you all know of my infamous countdown to come home in about 5 weeks for good and I am truly hoping this is the reason for my lack of interest in what I am doing.

I find myself not as eager to study, to see patients or even to drive to the hospital! The best way I can explain it is - remember if you didn't want to go somewhere but your mom made you go, kickin' and screaming? Yeah that is me, except it is kinda in my head. I wake up thinking, "I don't want to go in at all" while I am getting ready. I get in my car and say to myself while I am driving into the hospital "Just turn the car around or better yet hit the highway home!" I am kicking and screaming in my head yet I am constantly forcing myself into each day. It sounds terrible I know... I have definitely hit some low points and constant thoughts of doubt. If this is how it is going to be, should I do this? Is it only because I am so SO fed up with being away from home? Could it just be the constant stress of presenting patients and getting critiqued by every preceptor - not because you aren't doing it the right way but you aren't doing it THEIR way? There are so many things bothing me as of late that overall, well, I truly feel like I have lost my passion... and I can't find it.

What happened to me? I used to be so invigorated by it all... Sigh, I'm not saying I am quitting or anything. I really don't think there is a way out even if I wanted. I mean it is so much easier said than done. What am I just going to NOT show up for clinicals tomorrow and drive home only to realize I am nearing $200K in debt? Oh no problem, I can work that off in - psh - well whatever other career I would choose would go off to paying off my $200K mistake. Ok, so obviously I have thought of it... I just keep wondering it is because I am away that I am feeling this way. I felt so good rotating at home and being able to live my life. Maybe that is what is missing? Maybe then I'll get that passion back? Okay, let's think positive and say that will happen. I run into another issue... Say I make it through this crazy last year and actually obtain my M.D. degree, lol. I still am not sure what specialty I would want.

Truth or dare: Truth. What specialties have lingered in my mind for more than 10 seconds? IM, OB/GYN, FM and to a lesser extent ER. Why? Don't get me wrong, I loved my month in it but something gets to me everytime I hear an ambulance or when we'd have to take care of a drunk moron for driving his snowmobile into a tree at 3am. I know it must sound so cruel but I don't want to spend my days taking care of people that don't minimally take care of themselves. Yes, you could make that argument with IM or FM for people not managing their hypertension or diabetes but to me that is different at least. So ok, what to do now with my final 3? Well, I truly love them all but I decided to look into where residents do their curriculum rotations. To be truthful (and I think that I will mean this more when I find that passion again lol) IM is the best. They get the IM floor, cardiology, respiratory, heme/onc, pulmonary, GI and so much more that all strike my interest. FM has many of the same rotations but it seems in shorter amounts of time. Sigh, so much to choose from but I think I know the direction I am bound to take. Just ready to know for sure!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Life in a box...

Well, radiology is not as awful as I had thought. I am with a very nice doc that while he doesn't teach a whole lot, is not making these two weeks difficult either. Don't get me wrong, I love a challenge, but these two weeks were supposed to be vacation anyway ;). I cannot tell you how many films we have reviewed in only 3 days but I am enjoying it. I am not sure if it is going back to my anatomy roots, sitting in a dark room and getting all cozy or taking a break from endless H&Ps but it is a more relaxing way of spending these two weeks. I can see the appeal of this specialty though. It has to rank high on the lifestyle list with the hours they work, 8-4:30pm. Again too, I can see the appeal of being in a room alone just to get your work done and go home, but it totally is the opposite of what I saw my career to be like. I always wanted that patient contact. Although these past couple days, I don't have much sense of dread going to the hospital. Maybe because I know I just have to look at a screen and not worry about my interview or exam skills... Like I said though, for these two weeks it works just fine with me, a much needed relaxing rotation and hey - this is 2 weeks more of fourth year (now being a month total) that I have completed and will have that much extra time off early next year! Breaking it down, if I took no breaks for the Step and interviews, my medical school rotations end in the middle of February! How awesome would that be? Heck, graduation isn't until May and internship isn't until July!

I am not anticipating alot of time to study for the Step (planning on taking during my outpatient month of IM) and interviews - well, a topic for another post but I have I think about 12-15 programs I am looking to apply. After speaking with my medical education coordinator here in Saginaw, I supposedly should be applying to 60-150 programs... I can tell you now that will not happen. There are ~15 programs in Michigan and 2 in Ohio that I am looking to apply as I am not interested in doing a residency away from home. Yes, I know what that means. What if I don't match? What if I only get one interview? Well, I may be crapping my pants until the match - but if I don't match, then I don't. I had heard that people apply for 150 programs and only interview at a grand total of 7! I don't know if that was for a surgical residency or what but it really didn't push me anymore to go looking into out-of-state programs. I think that I will have a good shot especially if I can prove myself in my core this summer in Detroit. More of this to come in later posts but I just know how I feel about this situation and feel that I do understand the risks of such a choice.

Anyway, I better get going... I have more sitting around to do tonight (ok maybe some reading too). I just can't wait until the weekend arrives - home!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Finding a balance?

I'm troubled tonight thinking of what is to become of my life. To me, I know it will be everything I ever wanted and perfect. I will be a wife, mother and physician just to name a few...

I guess what has got me thinking more is just planning my final year and learning from the experiences of others. Tomorrow begins my attempt at securing more rotation spots to finish up medical school and it is completely exhausting to worry about finding places near home. Nothing else I can really comment on that now but I will keep you posted on how things go in that regard. Though tonight I watched a show on NOVA, "Doctor's Diaries". All were great physicians, all dedicated and all seemingly consumed by work. The men physician would get divorced or have wives that would stay home with the children and the women physicians would have no social life at all.

So two ends of the spectrum. My life as like the rest of the world will be indeed wonderful but not perfect. On the other side, I am not looking to be consumed by this career. I love it so much but there is point that I an not looking to cross. I know eventually, sometime in my career -years after residency ends - I will not be looking for a full-time job (in med terms, what like 60ish hours?). Whatever it is, I know I want to be there for my children. While I know I won't be able to be a full time stay-at-home mom, but I have no interest in sacrificing that aspect of my life for medicine. Reading that back to myself it sounded kind of harsh but what does that mean? Why do I feel like this awful person for not feeling different? Truthfully, when I am set in my career I feel fine about that statement. It is just this stupid 4th year I have to plan that is making this so difficult. I have the option of staying in Saginaw for the rest of my education - to have it all planned out and set for graduation. Yet, I am opting for making it more difficult on myself and planning it on my own to be near home. On the one hand I think I am an idiot. On the other, I think it is long overdue and I should do what is in my heart. Head vs. heart is what we have going on here people... The eternal battle. Wait no, that is good and evil... anyway...

Just what am I to do. At this point, it is April and I still have some time to figure this out. Hopefully some luck will strike me and I can work closer to home. The thing of it is, I just don't miss being around home - I am physically starting to feel it. Mentally, oh please that has been around for what probably is years, for which I have slapped myself out of many, MANY times. I am honestly physically feeling sick when I leave home. As I have told my own mother, my heart literally aches everytime as I begin my drive away from my home. It's just like, exactly like, I am just leaving a part of me there and without that piece I cannot fully engage myself in the tasks that are at hand. Again, on the one hand I feel so good having this thought, because I know my upcoming wedding is just so right, it is that piece of comfort and peace that I will have in my life forever. On the other hand, I want to yell at myself for not being tougher and sticking through this like other students - as I am not the only one to have sacrificed for this path chosen. All the years I have worked, I feel like wanting that comfort and peace is giving up or wrong. Again, in my eyes this is just another case of head vs. heart.

I am not expecting to come to a conclusion tonight. Haha, even if I wanted to - it wouldn't happen anyway. All I know is maybe I just need to ingore them both and go with another alternative - my gut. Tonight? My gut is telling me to start listening to my heart and pray. The rest will fall into place... at least I hope for that and maybe in my own heart my life will become maybe not a perfect life to all - but the perfect life for me.

Monday, April 13, 2009

*~Spring has sprung!~*

Guess who? Yes, I know I haven't been around in a long while. Lately this has been a hard thing to remedy. Like I always say, after my day is done it is hard to go back and relive the whole day so I had started to forget to write. Maybe that has been my problem too because my bitterness as of late has increased. So much has happened though since I have last written and all I intend to write about. First of all surgery is over!!! I had gotten through my last week with my second surgeon and could not wait for it to end. He gave me some constructive criticism for my last day, shook my hand and went on his way. I ran in the completely opposite direction, haha! See ya! I must say that my month with him was the hardest month in medical school for me. I have always been dreading my surgery rotation and for the exact reason for the month of February! I learned though - mostly to speak with confidence more and get thicker skin. Since that month has ended our program has our last month in the ER.

Let me tell you that I went in that month scared to ask a single question or to do anything wrong. I was like a neglected puppy that was placed in a new warm and educationally encouraging environment, and I felt... relief! I felt like I could be myself and actually enjoy being a student again. This was the whole month of March and I had 10 shifts of 10 hours. Shifts were either 6am-4pm, 1pm-11pm or 10pm-8am. The ER was full of encouragement and praise on my end. I felt like I went from being the stupidest student on earth to... well, someone that could actually pass as a physician next spring! For those looking for a great rotation before USMLE Step 2 CS - do ER! (Yes, in my absence from this blog I have taken my CS - don't worry I will talk about it too!!!) The ER gave me so much autonomy - freedom to take the reins of my own clinical experience. I was able to do my own H&Ps, differentials, workups (granted it was the resident ordering the tests but I was always asked what my differential was and what tests I would like to order). You guys - that's CS right there. A perfect month of preparation! :) That being said, if I fail my exam, my story will change. Since I just took this exam recently, I will save that for another entry but all in all it felt good and dare I say - kinda fun!

So, what is on my plate now? I just went home for two weeks after my surgery rotation completed and spent it planning the wedding, enjoying my time with family and friends and of course getting yet another glimpse of what life will be like in a matter of weeks (not months anymore!) when I move home for ever after with my Tony and puppy Maggie. Soon my time of travel will be over. No more island, no more living out of a suitcase in a hotel or a one-person apartment. Yes folks, after nearing 3 years I officially feel like my dues are paid and it is time to pick up where I left off. The summer will be spent in Detroit, which is very close to my home and I can only wish that I make a great enough impression to hopefully get the opportunity to interview there and obtain a residency! I can't wait. My homecoming has been long awaited and the emotions that I am sure will come over me will be something I have never seen. I appreciate all the opportunities that I have been given and the blessings I have had for being this close, but the time has come and I am at my limit for what my career is worth - and it calls for home... Having this without my family and friends is just less worth it as of late and it cannot come at a more perfect time. When I am home and working - it is the best of both worlds. To come home to my fiance and puppy (just turned a year old, so I guess not a puppy anymore right? :)), is just the best feeling ever. Knowing I can be with them all night long and go to work the next day only to return right back will be the best blessing ever after being through all I have these past years.

As for now, I have returned this morning to Saginaw to begin my radiology rotation which will be two weeks long. I really believe that this rotation is so valuable to any student. While they aren't the most stimulating days, maybe that is what I need now since I am kinda "checked out". After this on April 24th, I start my pediatric rotation which ends June 5th - the last day in Saginaw! I am sure I will be writing more as my countdown quickens and I just can't contain myself anymore! Well, I am sure I have some holes in my stories and have more to talk about but I will get to it soon. Today my day was 8am-3:30pm and with all that time I should have ample time to blog, hmm? :) I'm gonna read and relax but I will catch you all soon.