Psychiatry is now over and it is onto rotation #3 - OB/GYN which started today. I really enjoyed psych and while I don't think I could see it being a speciality I would do alone, I could see it in conjuntion with another specialty, like oncology to deal with both the medical and mental afflictions affiliated with being diagnosed with terminal illnesses. My presentation on DID (dissociative identity disorder) went very well and out of the blue our shelf exam was cancelled due to some issues with test delivery. So I was off to go home for a nice long weekend home - and it was fantastic!
Now, starting fresh with this new rotation and what do you know - feeling back in the rut. I was happy last week when I felt the accomplishment of another rotation but feeling at the bottom of another mountain being a new rotation, I find myself exhausted and utterly drained mentally. I'm sure most are sick of hearing my rants about being "down in the dumps" but as always, you chose to read this so it is up to you to read on. I am just having alot of issues with my emotions as of late, same as before yet in a deeper quality. Not to a dangerous point or anything but I have been having doubts as I am sure I have not been the only one. I just feel at the end of my rope lately and feel bad for that fact as I come off as just not that strong lately (which is scary considering I haven't even hit surgery yet). Things are better than before considering, but it almost seems as if being that much closer is a daily tease. Hearing things that are going on with my home, fiance, family, dog - even how the lawn needs to be cut or the laundry needs to be done is wearing at me at how I am just not there and how desperately I want to be so. I'm stricken with guilt too because even my future husband sees that I am not as optimistic and cheerful as I once was which makes me even more sad because even though it is true, I know that is who he fell in love with and I hate not being that person lately.
I've been back from the weekend about one day and have only had breaks from tears enough to get through orientation today. Waking up in the morning, my eyes are just so swollen. I am getting so tired of not feeling like myself to the point where in the back of my mind I have thought of taking a break from all of this. I literally have had feelings of being "stuck" knowing quitting now means a hell of alot of debt and disappointment in myself, who has never been a quitter. Even in signing up for Step 2 CS recently, I paused during submission of my payment, as I was unsure whether I wanted to spend $1200 because of these doubts. But after taking a moment, I know that stopping isn't what I want. Even taking a break means dealing with the rest of my education at some point - and no time like the present right? What kills me even more is that I am good at this. My preceptors have all liked me very much in the past, I truly enjoy the patient contact and being involved in their care. I am just so torn in my mind. I've had thoughts though, that why didn't I become something else in the medical profession? I thought about PA school and if I had pursued that I would be one by now. Why not be a nurse? My mom is the best of the best in that department and she is happy. I'm just back to the elemental question of any med school interview: why do you want to be a doctor?
I've heavily debated posting this. Part of me really thinks I should keep this to myself to save any embarassment or comments that I am not "doctor material". I have to admit that it is nice to vent it off though, even if no one reads it. Everyone is telling me it will get better and that I'm feeling this way because of one reason or the other. I just don't understand why it can't be me? Am I not as susceptible to feeling low like my previous patients? You would think knowing the signs and coping mechanisms I would have been able to talk myself out of this by now and believe me I am trying. To put it in psych terms, I feel like throughout school thus far, I am in a constant Adjustment Disorder by Axis I (little psych humor). I'm up and I'm down inside, repeat and repeat again.
I truly hope that it is just me getting into another rotation and feeling overwhelmed by it. As time goes on I am hoping and betting on the fact that these feelings will subside and only get happier knowing I am going to get to be home until the new year. I hope that my strength comes back and I can act and truly feel that I am coming back into my old self. I hope that God stays with me, picks me up and gives me back that toughness, optimism and joy that I feel has dwindled as of late. ...I hope...
"My precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you." ~Footprints in the Sand
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3 comments:
hi jessica! u're definitely not alone... I've heard stories from friends who go through the same thing as you during rotations. Hang in there.. it's okay to feel sad, but the bigger picture is that with each day gone, you're one more step closer to being a doctor - and what an amazing thing that is :) u've worked so hard to be where u are right now... and that itself is a happy thing :) u'll make it through... and it'll be okay.
Hi Jessica,
I am a fellow classmate of yours and an avid reader of your blog. I just recently sat for Step 1 (crossing my fingers in hoping that I passed) and I am writing to say that I feel bad for you and I want you to know you have my support. Ever since finishing AICM in Miami this past April, I've pretty much had 6 months to study for the COMP and Step 1. The time off has been nice. It has forced me to focus on what is important without being sidetracked with all the different distractions such as extensive hours at the hospital. I feel like life is a little slower but I feel more balanced and hopeful to start clinical rotations hopefully soon. I have reconnected with friends and family which I have neglected since the beginning of our medical education more than two years ago now. I have time for myself to read, workout and get healthy again, sleep (although I usually find myself up early after getting a good 7.5-8 hours a night.) But the time off is definitely nice to refocus me and re-charge my batteries before the onslaught of the wards start. I am at risk for not matching in 2010 like yourself but in the long run, that really isn't a factor for me. I want to be happy and fulfilled and I feel like taking your own time to reassess and recharge can be a good thing. I'm not saying putting off medical school but taking those breaks when they come can prove to be beneficial in the long run. Whether it's after Step 1 or Step 2 CK/CS, I think it's essential that we refocus. Medical school is hectic and stressful and that's not going to ever change. What can change is how we approach those challenges in our lives. In the grand scheme of things, it's about having a great quality of life and if that means matching on year later, then so be it. Anything can happen and things can change our clinical schedules at any time. I'm just suggesting you pick your spots, enjoy your life, and take your own time when you get back into the race. It will be gladly waiting for you whenever you are ready. I know you will do well and keep us all updated on how you are doing!
you can do it! and if you need to take it break, that is okay too. intern year is hard so make sure you are ready. if you need some time to be with your fiance or just regroup then by all means you should take it. but it sounds as if you are enjoying your rotations so hang in there!
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