My emotions as usual are up and down. I truly believe that after my time here in Saginaw (finished June 5th, 2009) - things will be yet one more step better than things were before. I am just struck with all the guilt for leaving Tony home alone to take care of things and our dog, feeling so sad sometimes that I am STILL away after beginning this process September 2006 and feeling very much tension and anxiety awaiting for this stage to end and the next to begin.
I know that time is moving by fast and how lucky I am to be here but when you are in the thick of it - sometimes it feels like walkin' through mud. This is all I have ever known that I wanted to do with my life and I know I was meant for it, but this long, loooong road takes such a toll. Looking back I see how much I gave up, effort I put in and time I have dedicated to being where I am today and it really makes me feel better in the sense that I can see how far I have come. On the other hand, I think to myself sometimes - will it be worth it? I worry about the debt, if I will be able to start a family when I want to and even if I will be an effective enough doctor to make a difference - to get to the point in my career when I find that through my work with patients, it was indeed worth all the hassle, adrenaline and tears.
I am sure that it will all be fine but yet again I am hitting a tough patch lately. I think I should look back to my island days because for some reason it seems like I am hitting more of these times than I did there! Maybe it is because I am still in somewhat of a transition, even though I am 3 weeks away from finishing my second rotation. Just when I am getting into the swing of things, Step 2 is around the corner, CS (clinical skills) in particular. I have decided that I will be taking this in mid-April and signing up probably within the last week to take this. My CK (clinical knowledge) which is like Step 1 will take place probably in September, after my IM rotation and my wedding (yay!).
So many things on my mind now it is unreal. Then again, it has always been this way. I can't remember a time when it wasn't. Oh yeah I do - and it drove me crazy! Wierd huh? Seriously, now anything over a week or two and I get so stir crazy without tasks or goals. Is this even a good thing, lol? Sigh, well at least my rotation permits me to have my weekends free so each weekend I make my way back home to recover and put things back in perspective. I thank God for my home, family and friends. Sometimes I lose sight of how good I have it at home and being out living on my own is a great reminder of how badly I do want it back - days when I can sit in my own house and put those suitcases away for vacations rather than yet another move for my career. That day is coming, even if it doesn't feel so. I just need to be constantly reminded and hopefullyone day, when that day comes, I can look back and say not only that it was worth it but it was the one of the best decisions I have ever made.
Don't Quit
When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill.
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you want to cry.
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must but don't you quit.
Life is strange with its twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns.
And many a failure turns about,
When you might have won had you stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succees with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt.
And you can never tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far.
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.
No comments:
Post a Comment