In transit... yet again.

Here I am in Orlando and I am not too happy about it. Fortunately, I have a pretty big hunger to study so I guess that is good because I have alot coming after me when I get back tomorrow.

I know I will back home in less than 2 months but I just keep hearing everyone say, "Oh just two more months and you will be home again." THat BUMS me out so bad to hear that. At least July is right around the corner and I am hoping that will fly by. Mini #2 will be coming up quick and then my birthday is on the 20th! After that August is soon to follow, no doubt and homeward bound I will be once more.

I have been troubled thinking lately whether this is all worth it. Of course it is what I want to do but the thought of "Where will I do my rotations?" and "How much debt am I in by now?" is really starting to take it's toll on my mind. After this break and getting more and more excited to come back to everyone and Tony it makes me nervous thinking whether or not all my hard work will pay off. I see all my friends getting great jobs and starting their careers, and I guess in a sense I have too, but I can't help but feel a little jealous of their security. I feel on edge all the time with everything I study and get examined on.

I am starting to sink back into the, "If I'd only gotten into a US school..." fill-in-the-blanks. So pointless and depressing. I just think of money I could save (be it not much but I am a tight-wad), be closer to family and friends, feel like I have support more nearby... Just makes me sad thinking about all that - so why do I bother? Maybe because it makes me appreciate home or (most likely) because I have always been a person that has just felt that my best could always have been a little better. Even if it was impossible - I should have done things different and better. I don't know how I can expect so much of myself - it will disappoint you everytime. For instance, I bumped into my old Chem I & II teacher from high school while I was home. I was excited to see him and tell him what I had been doing and he was very happy for me. Then he asked me to come to the high school sometime and talk to his class! Funny thing is, ever since I saw the medical school/professionals panel our teachers had done for us - I wanted to be that. I wanted to come back and tell others that they can do it too.

But then - self-doubt. I thought - well if it is a panel, why would he want me? To most, I am at the lowest part of the food chain by medical student standards (the Caribbean stigma). I don't want to endlessly answer the question "So why all the way out there?" all day long... I know it sounds awful. The truth is though that this self-doubt plays in your own mind and it is up to you to move past it. Typing here now I am working on it. With my own self-doubt I am playing into that stigma and truth-be-told, I am proud of where I go to medical school. Of course, I whine about getting out of here someday (live down here and you'll figure it out for yourself lol) but I feel like I am getting a great education - and while I am being force-fed information non-stop all year round I know that I will be able to retain and pull all this knowledge together to become a successful and competent physician someday.

I think it says alot for us to be down here - giving up our lives - family, friends, comforts and for me - especially special times missed with everyone at home (I hate missing anything that happens... I have been friends with everyone so long, it feels strange not to be a part of their "everyday life"). No offense to U.S. students or anything because I know they work their butts off too but it is just different down here and unfortunately it is something only us Ross students and grads will ever know about. Of course, anywhere I would have gone to school I would have developed my own sense of "school pride" but to me, the experiences at Ross have made me a stronger person (even right now when I feel a little weak). This place toughens you up and you can just (as much as I hate this phrase) suck-it-up or just let it spit you right back out. When I think of our class moving onto rotations, I think of us not whining about scut-work, hours we work, whether the A/C and computers are working and whether or not we get a decent meal every night. We have been though it already and we know to accept what we get and to let the rest just roll of our back.

I look forward to the time when I see a fellow med student in rotations whining about petty things and I picture Ross' students just being able to overcome such things with a smile and upmost dedication to doing the job and doing it well. As much as I need to take heed of my own advice and dare I say, take some of my own medicine haha, just don't play into the stigma. "Why did you go to school all the way out there?" Me? I sigh in my head (exhausted from this question) but say with pride "Because they gave me an opportunity and I grabbed it with both hands and ran with it." I have pride being a Ross student and while I know there are going to be issues ahead of my education - I'll do what I do best - persevere.

... I guess that is all I have for now - I am organizing my computer to prep for the insane amount of studying I have ahead of me. Speaking as a Ross student, all I can say is bring it on... but please send me home after!!!!