Two roads diverged in a yellow wood...

So begins our 3rd week in 5th semester. It's funny - I was watching America's Next Top Model (reruns that I can't stop turning on!) and Ms. Tyra related to me, haha. She said that when you are being taught you just want to reject it because it is change, but when you learn and you come back to situations that you never thought you could handle on your own, you remember those who taught you and appreciate the work that you once struggled with. I think that the beginning of the semester was like this for me. Moving into clinicals in intimidating and makes me so vulnerable to make a mistake - so much to the point of doubting yourself and if you made the right choice. I think I am slowly warming up to the communication between myself and patients.

It is not that I am afraid to talk to people - I love people! I could walk up to a complete stranger and just shoot the breeze! But when they are relying on me to tell them what is wrong with them or to examine them correctly while making them as comfortable as possible - it is overwhelming. Of course I want to impress my preceptors, but doing right by the patients is most important to me. I want to know that they feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable with me and open up to me. I just want the nerves to go away! I asked my preceptor when they do, and she said, "Any day now." I guess there will always be patients that can test you. Whether it is a challenging person or someone that comes in with issues where it is the first time that you have had to deal with them. A lecturer today was really grinding in dermatological language and having us present different lesions to her. I just don't like being wrong but she spoke with me at lunch saying how much she probes students because this is the time to screw things up! Don't you remember getting something wrong - stupid or not - and you just NEVER forget the answer after? I do! So maybe I shouldn't be afraid of it but embrace my time as a student. Tomorrow I am going to the psych ward to evaluate a patient. Only two of us have gone so far and I am the third. I think there has been a bipolar patient and schizophrenic patient as well - so who knows what I will get! After, you present to the preceptor and then begin to prepare your evaluation writeup. I am excited and am looking forward to those mistakes! (Okay, not really but I'm trying to get it in my head that it is OK!).

My big issue is where my head is lately. I have to admit, I've been doing alot of crying lately. I am SO blessed and I realize that of how I am back in Michigan now. As my sister says, "This is what you were waiting for!". That is so true. I feel guilty because now I seem greedy that I want more. I want to be back home with Tony. I want to be near my family and start REALLY living. Basically, it breaks down to this - rotations at home are not looking too promising. There are many rotations I do not have filled and for Tony and I, out-of-state rotations our last choice for me to go to. We are slowly coming to the conclusion that staying here in Saginaw for the 2 year program might be the right choice. Okay, it isn't exactly 2 years (September 2008-March 2010) so 1.5 years. But still, to me it makes me sad again. Every time I leave Tony my heart just aches and it is so hard. Even though he makes me promise I won't, I feel so guilty for leaving him alone for so long. So many people I have gone to school with - nothing will get in their way. If that means that they have to leave their significant others/family, so be it. I am feeling less and less like that. I feel like my personality lately is not matching others, and while that is fine, I just feel like maybe it reflects how my personality would match medicine and it worries me. I know that if my rotations were near home and I could live in my house I would feel completely different. I know that I have my family's (including my new family's soon to be!) support and love. I have just never been through something so hard in all my life to be away for so long. People tell me how lucky I am and how I shouldn't complain which of course doesn't help me at all. Sure I am better off than some, but isn't someone always better off than another? Jeeze. Anyway, I know I am lucky and blessed to be in the situation I am in. Things could be alot worse. I guess I am just focusing on how it could be better. Probably not the best thing to do, yes, but I am really trying to get out of this mood. I know I am a good fit with medicine and am just sick of the doubt.

So here I am, standing in front of two roads. Which do I take? With the help of my Tony, family and God, I know I can do this. I could give up and still have a great life. Or I can gut it out and have a life I had only dreamed of before while knowing that I not only changed my life and my future family's for the better, but I gave my life meaning by being able to help others when they needed it the most.

My guess is most take the easy road... Well... I'll take the one less traveled by and that will make all the difference.