YAY for VACA! ...(-tion)

YAYYYY! Vacation timmmeeee! I am so excited to leave for the beach - omg, 8 whole days! I have so much to do: laundry, last minute shopping, packing, road trip food - yikes!!! Too bad I feel lazy! After this trip it will be just about time to check on my Step score (gulp.) and hopefully buckle back down and get to preparing for my first rotation. As the day of my score reporting draws near, I am getting more and more nervous, so much so that I have supressed it in my mind and have tried not to think about it. I just want to enjoy my break (which I am!), not ruin it with negative thoughts and pray. Sometimes I feel like if I don't worry enough, it somehow equates to not caring and I will ultimately do poorly because I haven't spend my days consumed in anxiety... Aren't I somethin', haha!? My mind plays such mean tricks on me, to the point of making no sense at all.

Anyhoo, this post is a short one and not too interesting but hey - I got things to do! :) I'll be back after the 4th of July! So have a wonderful holiday!

Slowly feeling back to my old self...

I'm not gonna lie, the past 6 months or so have been a bit difficult for me emotionally. Oddly enough, it was right when I came home for good late last year that I found myself pretty down and out. You would think I would be the happiest of all people with how my situation after Dominica turned out. Though over the past months I have been full of anxiety, worry and basically bummed out. Things were going well, so why the long face? I honestly couldn't say. I was never that way. Tony has always told me how positive I was before, always cheery and having the ability to bring others up when feeling low. He had told me that I just have not been "Jessica-esque" lately. Yes ladies and gentlemen, I've been in a funk.

I just wish I knew why. Things are going so wonderful (especially if I get a "pass" on the Step) yet I still have found myself sad, even crying quite often from feelings over being overwhelmed. I don't know if I would call it a depression. I have always been able to pull myself out of such a feeling but have been really struggling with it. It truly came about a couple days ago when this shroud seemed like it was lifting. I don't know what got me there or what has been pulling me out, but it is seeming to pass over and thank God because I don't want to be a downer on the upcoming vacations! I just feel like I am slowly coming back to my old self. Maybe these trips have something to do with it. I am leaving today with Anna for Ohio to see my friend Beth for the weekend. While I love home, I think a few days away might be just the ticket for me to refocus and get a little closer to where I want my mindset to be. Next up, is our North Carolina trip and I know Tony and I both are looking forward to some carefree days on the beach where the biggest decision of the day is what to eat for lunch!

Today has been a pretty productive day with calling/faxing in forms for starting my first rotation, getting doc appointments in order, doing housework, giving the dog a bath, etc. I figure especially with rotation issues, it would be best to get it all in within the next week at the latest to ensure an abundance of time for Ross to get everything ready for me. Now, I am just beginning to pack a little weekend bag, get our road trip snackies together and get going to my weekend with the ladies! As most know, I have never been much of a girlie-girl but - but ya know - maybe that is just what I was missing all along!!! :) Yay for the weekend!!!!!

Been a long time coming...

Time for a summer vacation! As short as it may be, I think a month will be plently of "off" time. After it all - applications, interviews, preparations, 16 months of the island and its drama, COMP(x2), 3 months of 5th semester and the the USMLE Step 1 - I have earned (hopefully) a nice, cool 4 weeks off with nothing to do but relax! Of course provided I get the pass on the Step but after which I will be pretty much immediately beginning rotations!

It is so odd not doing anything. I think alot of my fellow students can attest to the excitement of vacation but after about a week or so, a sense of being ansty or bored sets in! We have been conditioned to go all year round and just be such workhorses we forget how to enjoy a break! So far, mine has been niiiice. Unfortunately, my finace has been working overtime since we have such severe weather now in my area but I am hoping he gets to hang out with me this weekend. I have just been relaxing with some brewskis, laying out, working out and trying to get my house back up to code with cleaning! This next week will probably entail the same but then starts some real vacations! Going to Ohio to see one of my girlfriends with Anna for the weekend, which will be really nice considering the whole next week I will be in North Carolina with the boys relaxing through the 4th of July! Actually, by the time I get back I might have my Step scores -gulp. Not gonna lie, that is still majorly on my mind. Everyone has their opinions on what is the best indicator of the score to expect. Trying to keep it out of my mind but am going through forums as a form of therapy for me to see other peoples' stories of success with practice scores like mine...

Anyhoo - just trying to enjoy my break. As of right now, I'm sitting next to my sleeping puppy, watching the weather updates while sipping on a hazelnut coffee - soon to take off for back-to-back gym classes of Zumba (cardio salsa) and kickboxing with Alisha! Tonight? Hanging out with some of my loves at Big Al's (our local bar down the street)! Yayyy! I think it's gonna be a good day! :) I hope you have a nice day too!!!

Done with USMLE Step 1!

It is over and it's not sinking in! I am praying and hopeful but worried at the same time. I just don't know how to read this exam or what to expect at all. So, I took the exam yesterday. I got a full 8 hours of sleep before my exam and had a decent breakfast but nothing too heavy. Honestly I was shocked at how informal it was. I mean there was still the signing in, photo, sign out for breaks, locker, etc. but barely anyone was taking an exam in Prometric but me and I had the whole room to myself. It was very nice. I did block 1 and 2 then took my first break, same with 3 and 4 then a break, 5 and 6 then a break, then 7. It went by fast but felt like I had plenty of time to take it. I finished each block very quickly (oddly enough) and with all the checks that I had I had a good amount of time to go back and think them over.

Blocks 1, 4 and 5 seemed doable and I finished those feeling pretty good about them. The rest were a bit tougher... There were QUITE a few that were "gimme" questions. I was sooo surprised! I just didn't understand how they were on the exam! I know there are experimental questions too so when I got to a question I had no idea about, I told myself "Oh, it's one of those experimental ones!", haha. I think though what has gotten me down the most was block 7. I don't know if it was the exhaustion or just a bad block but it left me at the end of the day sad, down and out.

Overall though, the day went smooth - no glitched, interruptions or distractions. I am just overwhelmed now with feelings of failure. I worked hard to get to the point I am at and just thinking I will have to take it again is just very worrysome. I am wanting to enjoy my break. If all goes well and scores are in on time, I start FM July 14th right near my home. Who would have thought that after all the sacrifice of leaving home for school I would get the chance to end up right down the street! Ugh, I just don't know if I should start studying again or what. Very confused, anxious and worried. It's only been a day since my test so maybe I should give it more time but I can't help but think of the worst. I'm just not sure how to read it. I don't understand if there is a curve or not, or whether the gimme questions would even make it a bad curve. I'm trying to think of how many I needed to get right for a pass, like what percentage. So many thoughts and so much time to swim around in them!Anyway, thanks for letting me vent! I will be updating my blog with anything else that springs to mind of that day so stay tuned if you wish! In the meantime I am going to start crazily cleaning my house to keep me busy and pray, pray, pray!

Wishing, hoping and praying...

Here I am a mere 4 days away from the Step 1 and I am thinking that I am ready to take it or bust. I am now nearing 1100 questions completed these past few days and am hoping to get in a few helpful videos that I think would be nice to review once more and a quick skim of FA. That's about it folks. I've squeezed in as much as I could and gave it as much energy I could muster. Considering where I was from my first COMP exam to where I am now 6 months later - I think I have done alot of work towards this moment, I just hope that it pays off and that God blesses me with the faith, confidence and endurance that Monday will be taking out of me. My exam is from 10am-6pm and hopefully I will be finished sooner but I am in no rush.

Tomorrow is most likely my last exam which will be the one I bought from UW. I'm sure this will play a bit of a mind game as this test I hear is much harder than what I should expect but I am hoping to keep that in mind and take it all in stride to help build my confidence. I'd rather do a hard exam to prepare than an easy one where the concepts are too basic to bother with doing.

Sigh, being now about 1am I am going to try to finish anymore questions I can tonight and get some rest. Tomorrow will be another long day and hopefully I can be comfortable enough to begin the winding down process!

Less than a week until FREEDOM!

The Step is in less then a week now officially. Wow! I was sitting in the sauna with Anna today just talking about it a little - I can't believe I'm here right now. I'm busting through USMLE World questions and started fresh from the beginning to go through them again. In about a day, I got through a whoppin' 574 questions but I'm sure tomorrow will pose a bit of a challenge as I move onto some questions I haven't gotten to yet. With only finishing about 50% of the questions, I'm just going over the answers alone. Hopefully by Wednesday I can take the exam that the UW has which I bought. If that test turns out alright, that will be the last one before the BIG one! The UW test, however, is much harder than the real deal I am told but I just have to keep that in perspective and continue on! Other than that, I want to go over a couple hours of Goljan, some of the topics which were most helpful.

My mom is taking Monday off work to be with me that day - THANK YOU MOM! It means so much when she is there on the days that matter most. It gives me a great sense of peace. I am definitely looking forward to Monday being over and to get a month to relax and soak in the day's nothingness - just to do what I feel like!

As for the moment, Tony is in bed with Maggie (omg, I never mentioned it!) our new pure Springer Spaniel who is now nearing 8 weeks old! We got her when she was 5 and 1/2 weeks and she is growing and learning so fast! She is very smart and surprisingly as crazy as it can get, really lowers my BP, haha! Anyhoo, she is in bed too and I just got done with UW and watching the Wings lose in triple overtime... Ugh. Game #6 here we come. Well, time to relax for a few, finish my night and head to bed. Another long and hopefully productive day ahead!!!