Monday, February 18, 2008

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood...

So begins our 3rd week in 5th semester. It's funny - I was watching America's Next Top Model (reruns that I can't stop turning on!) and Ms. Tyra related to me, haha. She said that when you are being taught you just want to reject it because it is change, but when you learn and you come back to situations that you never thought you could handle on your own, you remember those who taught you and appreciate the work that you once struggled with. I think that the beginning of the semester was like this for me. Moving into clinicals in intimidating and makes me so vulnerable to make a mistake - so much to the point of doubting yourself and if you made the right choice. I think I am slowly warming up to the communication between myself and patients.

It is not that I am afraid to talk to people - I love people! I could walk up to a complete stranger and just shoot the breeze! But when they are relying on me to tell them what is wrong with them or to examine them correctly while making them as comfortable as possible - it is overwhelming. Of course I want to impress my preceptors, but doing right by the patients is most important to me. I want to know that they feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable with me and open up to me. I just want the nerves to go away! I asked my preceptor when they do, and she said, "Any day now." I guess there will always be patients that can test you. Whether it is a challenging person or someone that comes in with issues where it is the first time that you have had to deal with them. A lecturer today was really grinding in dermatological language and having us present different lesions to her. I just don't like being wrong but she spoke with me at lunch saying how much she probes students because this is the time to screw things up! Don't you remember getting something wrong - stupid or not - and you just NEVER forget the answer after? I do! So maybe I shouldn't be afraid of it but embrace my time as a student. Tomorrow I am going to the psych ward to evaluate a patient. Only two of us have gone so far and I am the third. I think there has been a bipolar patient and schizophrenic patient as well - so who knows what I will get! After, you present to the preceptor and then begin to prepare your evaluation writeup. I am excited and am looking forward to those mistakes! (Okay, not really but I'm trying to get it in my head that it is OK!).

My big issue is where my head is lately. I have to admit, I've been doing alot of crying lately. I am SO blessed and I realize that of how I am back in Michigan now. As my sister says, "This is what you were waiting for!". That is so true. I feel guilty because now I seem greedy that I want more. I want to be back home with Tony. I want to be near my family and start REALLY living. Basically, it breaks down to this - rotations at home are not looking too promising. There are many rotations I do not have filled and for Tony and I, out-of-state rotations our last choice for me to go to. We are slowly coming to the conclusion that staying here in Saginaw for the 2 year program might be the right choice. Okay, it isn't exactly 2 years (September 2008-March 2010) so 1.5 years. But still, to me it makes me sad again. Every time I leave Tony my heart just aches and it is so hard. Even though he makes me promise I won't, I feel so guilty for leaving him alone for so long. So many people I have gone to school with - nothing will get in their way. If that means that they have to leave their significant others/family, so be it. I am feeling less and less like that. I feel like my personality lately is not matching others, and while that is fine, I just feel like maybe it reflects how my personality would match medicine and it worries me. I know that if my rotations were near home and I could live in my house I would feel completely different. I know that I have my family's (including my new family's soon to be!) support and love. I have just never been through something so hard in all my life to be away for so long. People tell me how lucky I am and how I shouldn't complain which of course doesn't help me at all. Sure I am better off than some, but isn't someone always better off than another? Jeeze. Anyway, I know I am lucky and blessed to be in the situation I am in. Things could be alot worse. I guess I am just focusing on how it could be better. Probably not the best thing to do, yes, but I am really trying to get out of this mood. I know I am a good fit with medicine and am just sick of the doubt.

So here I am, standing in front of two roads. Which do I take? With the help of my Tony, family and God, I know I can do this. I could give up and still have a great life. Or I can gut it out and have a life I had only dreamed of before while knowing that I not only changed my life and my future family's for the better, but I gave my life meaning by being able to help others when they needed it the most.

My guess is most take the easy road... Well... I'll take the one less traveled by and that will make all the difference.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

A day in the life of a 5th semester student...

Well, here I am! All settled in 5th semester now and in the middle of week two in Michigan! Let me tell you, it is really a treat to be doing this semsester here! Everyone is so kind and welcoming to all of us and for once - we really feel like we are wanted! Since I have started we went through a 2 day orientation followed by great lectures that were so clinically based, practiced pelvics with speculums for the first time (are told that hopefully soon we can start on real patients) and surgical scrub training! Very exciting things happening. This week has been nice as well. The only criticism I have (if you can call it that) is that I don't think that some of our teachers this week really know how much we have learned up to this point. Some have hesitated to take it the extra step because they wanted to go over the basics (e.g. the neurological examination). This is so new to everyone and far be it for the lucky 10 of us to say something wrong - we just let it go - heck, it was a nice review anyway.

Tomorrow starts our clinical time, which will be held in a nursing home every Thursday. I think some were bummed that it was not a "real" hospital but they are working out getting us in on weekends to get more experience so I think it is great. Not only that, but they are hand picking patients to see in the nursing home that have real pathologies - Parkinsons, Multiple Sclerosis, Huntingtons, etc. So it won't be just yet another examination but ones which I am sure we will remember forever, much like the VSD and upper motor neuron lesions from the island.

Our weekly schedule is just wonderful! Mondays are full days of lecture but they are held in the hotel where I am staying so that is so nice to just get dressed and head downstairs! Tuesday are usually a half day with lecture or on certain weeks psych and peds rotations. My psych will be on this coming Tuesday where I will be giving a psych evaluation to a patient, make a diagnosis and then meeting with the doctor to talk and help prepare my writeup for the case. Wednesdays (like today) are our off days - so this is nearly two days so far that we are getting off to study! So wonderful because we all want to do so well on the Step and this above all is what will make it possible! I have gotten SO much Kaplan done in the past 10 days (actually less). I have no doubt I will be able to get through all the lectures well before this semester is over. It is really sinking in too - not lazily studying at all. I am definitely making my time here worth it.

I am very excited for this weekend because Tony will be coming up to see me! I am so glad we can see alot of each other this time around. It is still a little under two hours from home but it is better than being out of the country! There is talk about the new 2 year program here at Synergy starting in September and it is starting to be something I am considering. After being here so far - I am so impressed and think it could be a great thing. I am torn though because while it would be stress free and I wouldn't have to worry about EVER leaving Michigan for rotations - it is still not home. Trying to get my own rotations is slow and while I am scheduled to start in Detroit in July, I am not sure if it is something I will do. Without having them lined up it is hard to do because I have no idea where half or more of my rotations would be coming from. I just hate the idea of not being home until graduation. It is just going to have to be something to think about. Applications do not come out until June or July so there is still plenty of time to try to do that.

Anyway, I am going to get back to Kaplan and hit the hay. Clinicals from 8am-5:30pm tomorrow - oy. At least after it is happy hour in the lounge under us, then maybe we might go to Timbers. Have a great Valentine's Day! I am considering Friday V-day for me since Tony won't be up until then, haha! :)